Eve’s Turn:
I’ve developed a close relationship with a man I met at a business event. We e-mail almost daily and meet for lunches as often as we can. I adore him, but I’m feeling a little guilty about the relationship. Although it’s not physical, we’ve both admitted that we’re very attracted to each other. I don’t want to stop seeing him because he takes the time to listen to me and fills me up in a way that my spouse just doesn’t. I feel like I’m attractive and smart for the first time in years. Is this wrong? My spouse knows about the friendship, but doesn’t realize how often we talk to or see each other.

It sounds like you have developed a strong emotional attachment to your friend. You “adore” him and have already moved to the stage of admitting your mutual attraction. You ask the question “Is this wrong?” and I think you already know the answer because you are keeping important information from your husband. If it’s not wrong, why not tell him all about it?

We meet people we are attracted to all the time. It’s not this attraction that hurts marriages. It’s the secrecy and deception that erodes trust. How would you feel if you learned that your husband had a relationship like you’ve described? Most women think emotional infidelity is at least as important as sexual infidelity. If you are keeping the intensity of your feelings from your husband, it means that somewhere inside you are not entirely comfortable with what you are doing.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive and smart. The larger question is why you don’t feel that way in your marriage. I bet you did at the start. So, tell your husband and ask him to work with you to recover these feelings. Maybe over the years some emotional distance has developed in the marriage or you have both become complacent. This other relationship could be the wake-up call you need to revitalize your marriage. If you and your husband can’t talk about it effectively, then get some help.


Adam’s Turn:
Lately, I’ve been feeling burned-out in my marriage. My wife is always upset about something, whether it’s the kids or her job or me, and I have to admit I’m tired of dealing with her emotional struggles. She says I don’t support her, but I’ve tried to offer solutions and she doesn’t seem to want to hear them. I’m at the point where I feel there’s nothing I can do for her. How can I help her be happy again when she constantly shuts me out?

It sounds like you are having trouble with what I call stress-reducing conversations. Your wife is stressed about work or the kids and wants to talk about it. She hopes that talking about it will make her feel better, that is, she wants to be soothed. She wants her stress level to go down.

Most men are natural born problem solvers. When our partners describe a problem, we want to fix it. So, we offer advice. The problem is that the advice may sound like a criticism. We’re the smart ones who have the solutions and our wives are the dummies who need help. If this happens, your wife will feel criticized and get defensive. She may then accuse you of not supporting her.

Here’s the secret. Your wife does not want a solution. She probably already knows what she has to do to fix the problem. She just wants some company as she faces the problem. She wants to know that she is not alone with it. Stress tends to make us feel isolated so we want to reach out to someone else. Making someone else feel less alone is what is meant by being supportive. It’s what your wife is talking about when she says you don’t support her. She is saying she feels too alone and wants to know that you are there by her side. All you have to do is tell her that you understand what she is coping with and that you will back her. It’s a lot easier than having to come up with all those solutions.